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KADUNA – THE SOUL OF MY MARRIAGE

*By: Abu Mazeedailthayr Bn Sa’eed*

Some years back, I was invited to the biggest ever Muslim marriage conference in Kaduna to discuss the topic “The soul of my marriage”. It was actually meant for Muslim couples whose marriage had survived two decades of matrimonial storm.

With a lot of distinguished couples in attendance, it was very eventful!

There were two other discussants: A female Muslim sociologist from Central Asia and another middle aged female Muslim marriage counselor from Leicester, outside London. Till date, that conference remains the most stormy and highly eventful big men hangout I have attended.

I had started by making Taqwa – the fear of Allah or Godly consciousness the source of any successful union and therefore the soul of my own conjugal union. That was after explaining the moral implications of being Godly conscious.

Ordinarily, one would expect the Muslim audience to gladly concur with this submission; but contrary views of the experienced participants and my co-presenters had almost watered down the effect of my traditional sermon.

What’s the soul of a marriage?

The soul of a marriage is that important quality, the loss of which could easily result in the death of a marriage relationship. This, therefore, according to a section of the audience, may not necessarily be the fear of Allah; for many are happily married who believe not in Allah or God; and a few instances were cited!

On the other hand, money ie marital finance, marital sex and compatibility were greatly emphasised by the two discussants as the bane of any successful marriage. Of course, their arguments were strongly built on their experiences in handling issues of marital discord.

Marital finance is believed to be very crucial; and this is the responsibility of men – husbands – as the custodians of the household. This is of course true, especially if measured against the background of that Quranic verse which proclaims men as the custodian authority over their wives.

Thus, unless the husband is endowed with financial strength, he may be as disdained as the broom in the nook of the house. A woman said that even the sexual physiology of any woman could be resistant to the amorous advances of a pious man who lacks the financial resources to take care of his family!

It was even mentioned by someone during the conference that your wife could give you everything in bed if you spend on her; for indeed, not all Muslim women are Khadeejah Bintu Khuwaileed. This is however not to say that money determines the conjugal bliss.

But, on the other hand, a sister confessed to getting everything, including money, from her caring husband but a pleasurable sex. Thus, for not being sexually fulfilled in her ten years of marriage, she was contemplating seeking the Khul’u at 36.

Does it sound right?

Anyway, it’s not our own duty to judge her sense of judgment; but then, any woman who desires a husband that makes so much money and can spend heavily on her should equally be prepared to endure the limited performance of the over-stressed husband at bedtime.

Consequently, a woman who longs for the best in bed should rather camp her husband at home and start taking care of his needs, so that the hustling fellow would no longer be stressed and haunted by the killing anxiety to get things done for his wife, children and in laws.

I must confess this truth: Money and sex are very crucial to the survival of any conjugal union. The salary earners should therefore learn to invent additional sources of income to augment their take home. But they must also learn to live, rather than dying to satisfy a spouse who may even not be appreciative.

Physical exercise is another factor that will enhance the sexual life of males – It mustn’t be taken for granted. Also, a woman who desires the best in bed must equally learn to give her hubby the best in diets. There are many of them – both stimulants and energisers!

Still, we mustn’t rule out the importance of compatibility. Marriages have suffered more on account of this. I seriously doubt if Taqwa would ever stand as a substitute for it, otherwise the story of Zaid Bn Harithah and Zaynab Bint Jahsh wouldn’t have been part of our history.

But for the human nature as regards compatibility, the Taqwa or fear of Allah remains the dominant factor in any successful marriage, even if my audience had refused to listen. In the coming days, I would be discussing the concept of Taqwa in marriage relationship!

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