Three weeks ago, I was invited to as-Salām mosque to give a talk on the topic “Remodeling the Oppressive Husband…” After the lecture, I messaged my aburo patapata, Khadijat Shittu Balogun for feedbacks and she replied, “Impressive, balanced, the brothers got the bashing.” The topic was designed specifically to address some of the excesses of the brothers in marriage, so naturally the hammer should land on their coconut heads. However, for me, the discourse was beyond the ‘bashing’ of the brothers; it was a wake up call to responsibility and fairness. It addressed critical issues in marriage (causes of marital discord and divorce) from the perspective of the laxity and excesses of the man of the house.
When Allāh described men as قَوّامُون على النساء “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women”, He meant that men are responsible for protecting and safeguarding them as well as taking care of their needs. Thus, men are to shield and protect their wives from harms, rather than becoming objects of fear and harm to them. A woman should be at peace relating with her husband freely without trepidation. He should not constitute himself into a “kanranjangban” in the house. He should protect her from all manners of insults from relatives, neigbhours and friends, even if she were at fault. He most not oppress to suppress her, otherwise, he will turn her to one of the following three persons:
* Dindinrin (a foolish person): When a man becomes excessively bossy and harsh, some women tend to lose their minds and sanity as a result of emotional torture and imprisonment.
* Recalcitrant and troublesome: At a point, the woman also feels that no one has the monopoly of madness and harshness. So she becomes obstinate and unyielding.
* Assassin: This could be triggered even by little things when properly managed. At the point when she thinks that she’s had enough of his brutality, she’s inspired by the devil to terminate everything once and for all. Some husband killers didn’t just give in to the devil willingly, some were pushed to it by their victims. (Nothing justifies taking the soul of another though)
In an age where most people prepare for wedding more than they do for marriage, it’s important to note that domestic violence and maltreatment of women are basic lessons that must be taken before popping the question. Women are emotionally feebler than men, and they take offense in little things that most men regard as inconsequential. They are tender and childish (when they are truly in love with you) and they love things that many of us consider as irrelevant. They also have the tendency to shift goal posts in the middle of the game (a bachelor like Abu Abu Imrān needs serious tutor on this). These are some of the spices of marriage. So every man must pay attention to those little details in marriage, if indeed our marriages must work.
Inasmuch as good sex is vital for a healthy marriage, we must not allow the euphoria for it take us to the level of obsession where the survival of our marriage now hangs on it. Neither should we also use it as a tool for oppression and manipulation. In one of the recent cases that I handled, the lady confessed to using sex to woo her now estranged husband to have a change of heart and be good to her. Unfortunately m he only sees it as a means of fulfillment of sexual urge, nothing more. So he enjoys her throughout the night and pronounce Talāq in the morning until it became irrevocable.
The best Karfin Maza is not aphrodisiacs that enhance your sexual performance. Sex should be a honorable and pleasurable thing, and not just a mere recreational exercise. It is neither weightlifting nor press-ups. In fact, too much consumption of aphrodisiacs makes one’s sexual life meaningless. Sex, most times should be freestyle with no scripts or rehearsals. From the living room to the bathroom to the kitchen…
The best Karfin Maza is to honour, protect, respect and treat your wife fairly with all your might, strength and wealth. He’s not a real man, one who abuses his wife physically, mentally and emotionally. As human beings, we are imperfect so there is bound to be mistakes on our parts, too. However, a real man is he who apologizes for his mistakes, makes amends and reassures his wife of her safety and dignity.
The Qur’ān says, وليس الذكر كالأنثى “And the male is not like the female.” Learn to be tender with the female servants of Allāh. The Messenger of Allāh is reported to have said: “Act kindly towards women, for they were created from a rib, and the most crooked part of a rib is its uppermost. If you attempt to straighten it; you will break it, and if you leave it alone it will remain crooked; so act kindly toward women”.