Home Opinion Two Contrasting Notions Women Go Into Marriage With By Audu Haruna

Two Contrasting Notions Women Go Into Marriage With By Audu Haruna

There are two contrasting notions women go into marriage with;

1. My husband will be my leader while I support him

2. We both own the marriage and will work together to build it.

The second notion sounds sweet, perhaps even romantic, but nothing has been clearly defined. A successful firm is one where the head(s) and his team work together to move it forward. The fact that there is a leader doesn’t mean an absence of working together or working as a team. It doesn’t mean the leader won’t seek the counsel of his team or even pander to their suggestions sometimes, but as the leader the buck stops at his table and he has the final say. Imagine an enterprise with no head, where everyone sees themselves as equals. Who will work? Who will supervise? Who will oversee? You will end up with chaos. A car must have a driver not two drivers if it doesn’t want to crash.

Saying you and your husband own the marriage may sound sweet but without a clearly defined head you are just preparing for chaos. At least in the framework of Islām it can’t work. Your husband will be held accountable for some of your actions if he doesn’t caution you. Like a woman who leaves her home without hijāb, her husband has a share in her sin for not cautioning her. How then does such a system run without a clearly defined head?

Sadly, accepting the headship of a husband is becoming increasingly difficult for women today. Ironically, for many instances of women who surrender the leadership to the man without creating an atmosphere akin to a Royal Rumble; a power tussle, they end up being able to manoeuvre their way around their husbands. Power doesn’t always have to be glaring, it can be subtle, under the carpet, yet a force to reckon with.

Have you ever seen a woman walk up to her husband, place her bossom on his back, one hand gently and ever so femininely on his shoulder (or his head if private) and then childishly whispers into his ears? The energy in this gesture alone will make the Amazonian women wish for power. It takes all of a man’s willpower and more to resist a request as such (though sometimes resist we must). Sometimes I wonder how with all the different antics at women’s disposal to have their husbands do their biddings they prefer the direct confrontational approach.

Once a man doesn’t have any reason to feel he is under some form of supremacy contest with his wife, he will likely not feel any need to take precautionary measures. It is such women that get away with a lot to the amazement of other women and some think she charmed her husband.

He comes home one day and says “dear, we are going to do so and so”. This may not sit well with you as you want something different, but you hold your peace and agree with him. That initial response is very vital. The confrontational woman will flare up. “Noooo! We can’t do it because it is a huge mistake!”. ” How will you take such a decision without consulting me”. Haba madam, at least respect him as the head, stating he has to consult with you before taking a decision is you creating an unnecessary ground for contests. You will likely make him take many more decisions without consulting you just to prove his leadership whatever the consequence.

A wise woman will acquiesce to his demands at first. Let him feel that power of leadership. It is ego massaging and at the same time makes men lower their guards. “Ow Dear is that what you think is best? May Allāh bless the decision”. If it came in a tone asking for your input then you give it otherwise let him be. Look for a moment when he is most approachable; after sex, while you are stroking his chest, with intermitent flares of tinglings shooting through his relaxed muscles reminiscent of what transpired not long ago, then you say “honey, about that issue have you considered xyz?” Let him think it through perhaps he will see it your way, perhaps not. Whatever the case, be willing by default to let him have his way.

Oops! This last paragraph may cause trouble. Some men are post-climax sleepers you may protest. It is biology and we understand, but we use this opprotunity to encourage post coitus cuddling between couples. There is so much that can be shared and enjoyed in the ‘after glow’ moment. Perhaps we talk about it some other time. But if that moment doesn’t work for you, try after a sumptous meal, when beads of sweat has formed all over his body or any time that works. Every man (shoud we say most?) has his weakest moment and points that can be exploited. Rather than draw a battle line with him, seek out these to use to your advantage.

Ideal leadership is where the role of the leader is more supervisory than dictatorial. If men don’t feel a default resistance from his wife to having his way in the house, he easily entrusts a lot of things in her hand while he supervises, things he would have used to show ‘who is in control’ if you opt for wrestling power with him.

The next time you see two sweet couples where the man seems to listen to his wife, do not just long and wish that your marriage was like that, the secret is probably something you possess if you will get some toxic notions and ideologies out of your head and work your wifely charm to your advantage. There can be strength from a position of weakness.

A man’s wife is not his partner for their union is not a business relationship. She is many things a partner can’t ever be and enjoys a protection and sacrifice that a partner can only dream of. She is a wife, and a wife is married to a husband who leads while she follows. If a muslim woman has a problem with this arrangement, she should consider that marriage may not be for her.

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